No question: it is tough to be a parent during a pandemic, especially if your child is still too young to be eligible for the vaccine. It is precisely because your child has no voice and is trusting you to protect their health that it matters even more whether you are an effective advocate. My first and apparently not last experience in this arena was back when our son was eight months old and undergoing a complicated procedure that involved two surgeons and eight hours on the operating table. Instead of wasting time worrying, I wanted to act. Learning what scenarios I could face while in the hospital and preparing in advance for how to address those situations was the perfect counterbalance to the lack of control I felt. I was advocating for my child by asking nurses about policies, making a game plan for breastfeeding, and inquiring about services we could request. It was a full blown job and it was worth it because we had a speedy stay.
The best way to help your child at school or daycare
Recently, I wrote to parents in my child’s daycare class to raise awareness about two issues I felt could be improved to increase safety and decrease the potential disruption to our working lives as Omicron surges. The issues at hand were that: 1) classrooms are connected and not stand-alone; any time there is a positive case, two classrooms would be asked to test and isolate instead of just one, and the center was only using half of the rooms on-site meaning empty rooms existed; 2) the kids are unmasked for three hours from 12-3 pm which is lunch + nap time. This seems to be an unnecessarily long span to be unmasked and I sure as hell would never go three hours without a mask.
What was interesting to me is that despite the gains to be made from separating classrooms and advocating for shorter naps or no naps so that children are masked longer, no one could be bothered to write a simple email to the center director. Previously, I singlehandedly fought for HEPA filters via an extended email standoff in May before the center reopened. I had also in late fall needed to advocate for our son because we found out only after he suffered an allergic reaction to a newly diagnosed allergen that our center had no license to administer Benadryl. Since he had an existing allergy that required Benadryl and we had provided Benadryl as well as all the necessary paperwork, it was shocking to me that I needed to even expend political capital and energy to resolve the situation (the center said their mitigation plan was to 1) call the parents, and 2) if no parents were available, to call 911 to administer the Benadryl). In both instances, my advocacy resulted in positive benefits to the entire center: cleaner air, and avoiding unnecessary EMT bills, not to mention peace of mind if any child were to develop an allergic reaction to something (it turns out our son is allergic to sesame which is in hummus, something he has had several times at daycare as well as at home with no previous reactions).
So you will forgive me for thinking, surely it could not be hard for each parent who had much to lose (specifically, 8 days to lose) if another positive case were identified, to write a letter asking for at least the separation of classrooms. Not only this, but then things started getting interesting at pick-up. Typically, if I’ve seen a face a few times, I will strike up a conversation, even if the parent might not be in our son’s class. It’s the civil thing to do, and the only way to build community. This week, my consternation with the quality of parents at our childcare center really bubbled over when parents in our son’s class outright ignored me while we were waiting for our children to be escorted out of the building. The cabal of three continued chatting away, pretending as if I didn’t exist, and then on a second day, one of the dads who had been with the cabal, was super unfriendly when my son started chatting him up. This Dad wouldn’t engage with my son or acknowledge him which reflects so poorly on him and the behavior he is modeling as an adult. I have to mention too that we are the only Asian family at the center, so it pains me when we are ignored. Coming on top of the email silence, I have decided to cut my losses!
How to advocate for your child in a group setting
But back to the topic: how do you become an effective advocate for your child. Here are some commonsense guidelines:
- Say hello! Don’t be the parent who pretends you are too busy/harried to spare a few words and get to know your child’s classmates. Definitely do not ignore a child if he/she starts talking to you. That is just rude, especially when you clearly have nothing else to do and aren’t even on your phone.
- Welcome other parents to your conversation – if we really want our kids to be inclusive, then start modeling that behavior. This is especially important for minority families – both from a feeling welcome perspective and a showing our kids what it means to be a good citizen perspective.
- Lobby together with other parents for outcomes that benefit your kids – in times of crisis, like a pandemic, it’s even more important to amplify each other’s concerns and work towards outcomes that protect parents’ time, lead to better education, and/or improve the safety of kids. If all you’re being asked to do is write an email, WRITE THE EMAIL!
- Offer solutions and act on them – don’t just suggest ideas. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Pair them with actions that can be taken and suggest paths forward to how to do those actions.
- Do not accept the status quo – there is always room for improvement. Always. If I had never spoken up for HEPA filters, we would still be a daycare center without them. Just because something is done one way doesn’t mean it is the best way. And if you are quoted an asinine policy like 911 has to administer Benadryl, fight like hell and make plans to leave your school as soon as the year is over. I never accept the starting point as dogma, and neither should you.
Doing any and all of these actions means that you will form a community. You may not see eye to eye with your community all the time, and I already know that there are parents in our son’s class who can’t stand me because I am too proactive. But, you are only as strong as your group, and the only way you will be in the know, is if you make the effort to form relationships that go beyond small talk and actually get to potentially dicey topics like does your child nap and what can we do if we don’t want them to nap anymore?
I am the only parent that I’m aware of who has formed a deep and trusted relationship with the teachers, and because of this, I know the weak points of my daycare center. This has shaped the future strategy I am taking with our son, and you can bet that the reception I’ve received from other parents means they will not benefit from my knowledge and insight. Because this is the reward when you are an effective advocate for your child: you gain the tactical intel you need to move forward with their future, and your efforts, especially when you go it alone despite being welcoming to others, means that you only need to share the fruits of your labor with yourself.
